Witty Words Vol. 1
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks."
-- George Bush, former President of the United States of America
"This is a great day for France!"
-- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
-- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.
"As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian.'"
-- Dick Wilson
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
--Steven Wright
"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."
--Steven Wright
"I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window."
--Steven Wright
"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that.""
--Steven Wright
"I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."
--Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
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A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
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Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
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Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question
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I don't get even, I get odder.
--Zingers
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
--Zingers
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
--Zingers
I tease about drugs a lot, but in reality I take them seriously.
--Zingers
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
--Zingers
Accidents don't just happen; they must be carelessly planned.
--Zingers
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
--Zingers
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
--Zingers
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
--Zingers
People who think they know everything are the easiest to fool.
--Zingers
If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't be called "research".
--Zingers
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!
--Zingers
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
--Zingers
Time is what keeps everything from happening to us all at once.
--Zingers
My heart is in the right place, I know, because I hid it there.
--Zingers
Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.
--Zingers
Am I getting smart with you?...how would you know?
--Zingers
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
--Zingers
"Push to test." "Release to detonate."
--Zingers
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