Witty Words Vol. 1

  • "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks."
    -- George Bush, former President of the United States of America

  • "This is a great day for France!"
    -- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

  • "My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
    -- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.

  • "As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian.'"
    -- Dick Wilson

  • "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
    --Steven Wright

  • "Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."
    --Steven Wright

  • "I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window."
    --Steven Wright

  • "I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that.""
    --Steven Wright

  • "I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."
    --Steven Wright

  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
    Bumper Sticker

  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
    Bumper Sticker

  • A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
    Bumper Sticker

  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    Bumper Sticker

  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
    Bumper Sticker

  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
    Bumper Sticker

  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
    Bumper Sticker

  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
    Bumper Sticker

  • If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
    Bumper Sticker

  • Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
    Bumper Sticker

  • Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
    Bumper Sticker

  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    Bumper Sticker

  • If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question
    Bumper Sticker

  • I don't get even, I get odder.
    --Zingers

  • In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
    --Zingers

  • I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
    --Zingers

  • I tease about drugs a lot, but in reality I take them seriously.
    --Zingers

  • Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
    --Zingers

  • Accidents don't just happen; they must be carelessly planned.
    --Zingers

  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
    --Zingers

  • Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
    --Zingers

  • If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
    --Zingers

  • People who think they know everything are the easiest to fool.
    --Zingers

  • If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't be called "research".
    --Zingers

  • Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!
    --Zingers

  • Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
    --Zingers

  • Time is what keeps everything from happening to us all at once.
    --Zingers

  • My heart is in the right place, I know, because I hid it there.
    --Zingers

  • Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.
    --Zingers

  • Am I getting smart with you?...how would you know?
    --Zingers

  • Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
    --Zingers

  • "Push to test." "Release to detonate."
    --Zingers

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